Love yourself

The blog posts on Weightless have been helpful for me for these past 12 months, since I discovered, this blog. The posts on self acceptance and self love have been an encouragement and a help in the middle place. That space in between where you are and where you would like to be.

Love your neighbour as yourself.

Love your neighbour as well as you do yourself.

These phrases follow the answer an expert in the law gave to Jesus, during a conversation. The expert answered a question about life, by saying "...love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; AND love your neighbour as yourself."  Find the full conversation here.

In all honesty, that last part has been a sticking point for me, not the heart, soul, strength and mind part, not the love your neighbour part, I really do love my neighbours. Like many, I live out a big definition for neighbour.

It's the love yourself part, that's been a growth area.

In the month of May, I exchanged yoga for weights, for an outdoor running group and for outdoor cycling on my new bike. In keeping with my personality, I pushed my body too hard, in too short a time frame and had injured both of my knees.

As a recovering people pleaser, I listened to the sage advice of the expert bike fitter and not to my own inner experienced cycling voice. With the seriously uncomfortable saddle too high, the only stretchy place with my clipless pedal system, was my knees.

With my fitness routines interrupted, and feeling bugged about being held back by injuries, I had stopped blogging. I felt stuck.

With icing and resting my knees, I did manage to climb Grouse Grind, a mountain in North Vancouver, BC, Canada, only to re-injure myself again, once I was back home.

photo credit

Mostly, I have been frustrated with myself and a bit off track, and not at all loving towards myself.

I easily slip into berating myself for being injured. It doesn't seem to matter to my mind that I received said injuries trying to be healthy and active.

Self-blame, anger, frustration, negative self-talk, you get the idea.

One day in June, I read Margarita Tartatovksy's poem, “what my body has taught me...” 

It made me cry, I think in a good way. It was a gentle reminder again of all that I can be thankful for. It feels like a good place to pause, give thanks and begin again on this journey of self acceptance.

I heard this gentle whisper in my spirit, "do this Kelly, love God, love your neighbour and love yourself, do this and you'll really live."

Margarita Tartakovsky, graciously responded to my request to include her poem in my blog. It is reprinted here with her permission. Please enjoy!

My body has taught me

what feels good and what doesn’t.

When I need kindness

and when I need rest.

She’s taught me to slow down,

and to use all my senses to wander this world.

She’s taught me about patience,

even though I’m used to running her to the ground

or condemning her for supposed flaws.

She’s taught me forgiveness.

She’s taught me that I am resilient,

even though I often forget that I am.

My body has taught me the beauty of laughter,

a piece of music,

a balmy wind against my face

and the soothing warmth of green tea with honey.

She’s let me release pentup powerful emotions,

pen stories and create art that I am proud of.

She’s taught me how to listen

and care for my needs,

especially when sickness strikes like it has this week.

She’s taught me that I am a warrior,

and that it’s OK on the days I am not.

My body has taught me to express love

and to experience it.

She’s taught me that pain is fleeting,

and to try again.

She’s taught me that I am a legacy,

centuries of memories and heritage running through my veins.

While I’ll keep forgetting and re-learning these lessons,

I am oh-so grateful for this body of mine

for carrying me

when all I wanted was to be anywhere else

but in my own skin

when I yearned to abandon and escape my body

and did on many days.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Copyright (C) 2013 Psych Central. All rights reserved. Reprinted here with permission from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2013/04/a-poem-what-my-body-has-taught-me/

Thanks for reading and keep moving,
Kelly

Hot Yoga Tales, the Finale

Kelly and Torsten

My yoga buddy Torsten and I finished the Rogerstv show, Hot Yoga Tales.

The days leading up to the final taping of the 45 minute Hot Yoga shows were difficult for me.

I had agreed to this volunteer commitment months earlier and always assumed that there would be between 8 and 10 participants and the instructor.  Instead, Rogerstv after a site visit, decided to have one teacher and 2 participants. No.Blending.In. Yikes.

Every insecurity and thought related to self acceptance was being challenged. It felt like every strength I had developed in my thought life about body image and identity and spirituality was being tested. It was much like the test my muscles endured learning yoga poses. It was "planking" of the mind and I wasn't sure I could follow through.

Several things helped.

I sent out an email to a few friends to admit my insecurity, "I actually feel a lot of pressure to do the yoga well, but mostly, it's 45 minutes in figure revealing work out clothes, on camera, that is bothering me."  I knew I had to fight my tendency to hide out and cry. I asked some women to pray for me.

My sweet neighbour listened and suggested some retail therapy. She firmly said, "you need a new top." The day we planned did not pan out because my little Caleb was home sick and throwing up. With a quick jaunt to the grocery store, I netted several work out items to try on.

Months earlier I had stumbled across the Curvy Yoga Matifesto and I revisited it. Two lines were helpful for me.

loving your own body opens the door for others to love theirs...

time we spent criticizing our bodies is now spent chasing our dreams...

A childhood friend, echoed the sentiment of the first line when she said to me, "do it (this show) for women everywhere..."  Somehow that helped me.

There was this woman at the gym who randomly said, "aren't you taking a year to live athletically?" I was gently reminded in my Spirit that change takes time and I was about 4 months in with this dream to live a healthy life. I am rich in time.

A blog post by Gary Morland as part of his Everything Fits series helped me to remember and recognize that self-obsession and worry is not helpful as did this fabulous song by Jason Mraz, entitled, "Living in the Moment."

Doing the Dr. Oz 3-day-detox-cleanse helped to reduce bloating and I felt as though my eyes and skin glowed, even though I would be nowhere near skinny. I liked it. I was challenged to stay the course of living my life without processed sugar and coffee and felt proud of the accomplishment of drinking 4 blended shakes a day made of healthy food.

The Weightless  blog has practical advice. It went beyond positive statements to just simply do this or do that. I found there were lots of suggestions to consider, for the middle place. That place where the positive statements feel fake and have no effect. There were actions I could take, for example,

"Taking self-portraits is a vulnerable act. Many of us barely like looking in the mirror. So capturing ourselves with a camera — a sort of permanent image — feels uncomfortable, silly and even scary."  Thank-you Weightless blog for helping to normalize some of my feelings.

Vivienne McMaster wrote beautifully on self-portraiture,  and while I am not in control of the Rogerstv cameras or post-production, it helped put my mind in a better frame.

part of the production and camera crew

Make-up. The days of the filming I had my make-up professionally applied at Victoria Bourque's Beauty Boutique. It was time well spent with Victoria, a lovely human being, who is a gifted "enhancer" of beauty.

snapped by friend Laura at her front door

This opportunity to be part of the show was awesome. I think my favourite part was the people, the conversations; with Jennifer, Dan and Julia at the Rogerstv studio, with  Cindy, the owner of Bradford Hot Yoga and some of the instructors, and with Torsten, the other ordinary person who had never done yoga before.

I had committed to learning some yoga and my body has benefited from the lengthening and strengthening. I have filled my journal with reflections on yoga and how slowing down, breathing and stretching fits in my life.

I like the practise in yoga of setting an intention. The final day of taping I set an intention for gratitude (always helpful) and FUN! Snapping pics made it fun for me and seemed to lighten the mood of all the nervous participants.

At the outset of this journey I had a really cool moment that I blogged about:

...the only person who needs to accept all of me, is ME.

So when this beautiful, self-obsessing, broken and healed woman was doing yoga in front of a team of camera and production people, all the while knowing that it will be aired, she was often smirking to herself and thinking, "this curvy suburban woman is having a grand adventure...living the dream." In those moments the fear dissipated, perfect love was driving it out.

Love has the run of this house, this soul. A journey that I once thought impossible is unfolding.


thanks for reading and keep moving,
Kelly

Acceptance

Photo Credit

Last night I went to RogersTV studio, Newmarket for the first taping of the "Yoga Monologues, the stories of 3 ordinary people who have never practised yoga before." (working title) Enter me, stage left.

In November 2012, I responded by email to an article looking for people who wanted to get healthy trying hot yoga. I knew as soon as I read it, that if I did not respond immediately, I would lose my nerve. I had been experimenting with different fitness classes before I started my Blog and I knew this had potential to be a great experience for my life.

Cindy from Ananda Hot Yoga Bradford interviewed me. It may sound weird, but I purposely went with wet hair (I had just finished a sweaty  work-out) and wore no make-up, in an attempt to be my raw self.

I wanted to be as honest about my self and my body and my personality, for this is becoming my healthy way to live. Also, I somehow convinced myself it might help Cindy determine if I was a good fit for her show. (Wet Hair??)

Wednesday morning, though I was eager and excited about the 5 pm taping, I was NERVOUS. The internal pressure I was feeling was a bit much.  Tears.

My husband appeared slightly frustrated (read, I have about 1 minute before I have to leave for work and I have to fix this?) and wholeheartedly supportive (read, a deep look in my eyes, a quick kiss on my forehead and some positive words.)

I recognize this contrast in my personality...

...love of this life of adventure AND fear of it, at the same time..

Later in the afternoon, some thoughts came to mind, "do not worry about this body... and ...fear not, I will hold your hand..." so that helped and so did a physical work-out with my amazing trainer Jasmine at the Leisure Centre, and praying with a friend.

Wednesday night, after answering the first question in the Studio, with the lovely and encouraging Producer, Jennifer, under the uber bright lights, I had this really cool moment:

... the only person who needs to accept all of me, is ME. 

Let the adventure continue, the fear dissipate and the love grow.

thanks for reading,

kelly